Oh, Caroline
I S A Y her name over and over in my head. I like how it sounds. I like the refrain. It’s seems like such a good name and I never really thought about it before. How many times have I seen it or heard it and it meant nothing. Now it means everything. I stop sleeping again. I start buying cigarettes from the all night gas station again. Eventually she calls. We make plans.
We walk on the beach and smoke in the night. The cold sand has a metallic shine. She says something about there being a red tide, something about plankton. I pretend to see it. She’s cold and I hold her inside my jacket until the shaking stops. She smells like smoke and coconut shampoo. This moment is perfect. I want her. But I’m afraid. I don’t kiss her.
I buy her a Gerber daisy and randomly give it to her after class. I’ve never been to this side of campus. The trees are pretty over here. She hugs me and kisses my cheek. I feel her lips stick to my skin and I want to press my mouth into her lip-gloss. She grins and it shines. I’ve seen brighter but it doesn’t really matter. She twirls the stem in her hand and says I’m something else. I start to believe it.
I write a poem for her and spend an hour picking the best-looking font. Papyrus is so amateur, Verdana too bold. I’m probably showing too much. But I feel like burning again. I put my initials and the date at the bottom of the page. I try to make it look professional. I tell her friend to pass it to her in class. I give it to her with both hands.
She comes in the lobby wearing another pair of salon stilettos. They’re a fire of pink and orange. She asks if we can talk and I take my break. We sit. We chat. We smoke them down to the filters. I’m lighting another and she tells me that she thinks she is gay. That guys just aren’t her thing at this stage of her life. And all I can do is try and think of a sign I should have seen. Some kind of lesbian marker I missed. She tilts her head and says she’s sorry. She tilts farther and says I’m so sweet. I check my pockets for money to buy another pack. ...
Brian W. Wood
